Guilt was what I felt when I was condemned to die of shame and remorse, for having thought it beautiful to die of pleasure!
I surrendered myself after cross-glances, exchanged touches, and kisses donated. I surrendered to the point of feeling the explosion and the ecstasy. I surrendered myself until the joy of pleasure faded to the relaxation of my muscles, and the rest of the spirit. Exciting and delicious experience is not it? Yeah!
But I never thought that this pleasure could be the sentence, the punishment for a simple carelessness. In fact, discovery made by a simple medical examination. This examination is painless and made not by physical pain or disease manifested, but made by curiosity in knowing my clinical state of health. The Judge in front of me sat all in white (doctor) read and looked into my eyes giving the verdict:
- "You are from this test result ... seropositive, reagent !!! AIDÉ.TICO "
SIX MONTHS OF LIFE
The world stopped, the sound disappeared, the floor opened and the impact on me was so painfully painful, canceling out all the pleasure I had brought-up "here, at the time of diagnosis and simultaneously numbing the pain, and another form replicated as anesthetic, the annulment of pleasure, the source!
Surreal this feeling!
An indescribable sensation, redundancy without explanation.
The cell! A physical and metaphysical coma! The remorse of certainty, the deception of presumption!
Solitary the walk of a time without reporting, without venting, without confiding this horrible news received. The movies passing in thoughts of the general moments of my life in a few seconds, because the Judge returned to sentence my life imprisonment.
The lonely I even sentenciei me get away from people, friends, family, mirrors.
Yes mirrors, for I had taken a disgust of my own, where I felt that my soul was eternally defiled. Days and months passed, until I faced the worst enemy. Myself! The intimate enemy that makes you have the most painful and prejudiced feelings for yourself. I placed in my mind and heart that I would be a happy prisoner, where I would allow myself to return to my self, from where I had expelled him.
Knowing that the blame for everything that happened, it was just me, the very villain infuriated me.
Knowing that I allowed myself to denigrate, defile a temple called the body that God gave me perfect ... and I profaned in a certain way.
Why I blamed myself for everything?
Why not blame the partner? An obvious and simple answer, but difficult to see in the first moments. I was never raped, I was never forced to have sex, I was never forced or ordered that my sex should be without a condom, they never pointed a revolver to my head saying it would be pointless.
I allowed myself, I authorized, I left ... I WANTED!
Learn to accept their failure and do not want to impute it to the partner, it is the key that unlocks his arrest, the cell in which I myself had me locked.
Life is simple to live, it is healthy to continue and it is charitable to those who respect and care for post-release, post-deliverance and self-acceptance. Give yourself value, give value to your life, life out there and the life of everyone around, becomes the perpetual deliverance where you can forgive yourself. Living simple and intense is what I needed to be happy with myself and ready to face reality.
The reality is: I can be happy, healthy and have a totally normal relationship with a partner. Whether he is HIV-positive or not. We are normal, we are capable and we are human beings like any other. No more, no less than another!