Testimony of People Living with HIV

My fault. Ma Faute. My greatest fault!

Guilt was what I felt when I was condemned to die of shame and remorse, for having thought it beautiful to die of pleasure!

My fault. Ma Faute. My greatest fault! A Remorse Remorse, A Shame Without End !!!

I gave myself up after crossed looks, exchanged touches, and donated kisses. I surrendered to the point of feeling the explosion and the ecstasy. I surrendered myself until the pleasure of the pleasure faded to the relaxation of the muscles, and the rest of the spirit. Exciting and delicious experience isn't it? Yeah! But I never thought that this pleasure could be the sentence, the punishment for a simple personal carelessness. In reality, discovery made by a simple medical examination. This painless exam is done not for physical pain or manifest illness, but for curiosities in knowing my clinical health status. The judge in front of me sitting in white (doctor) read and looked into my eyes giving the verdict:

- "You are from this test result ... seropositive, reagent !!! AIDÉ.TICO "



The world stopped, the sound disappeared, the floor opened and the impact on me was so painfully painful, canceling out all the pleasure I had brought-up "here, at the time of diagnosis and simultaneously numbing the pain, and another form replicated as anesthetic, the annulment of pleasure, the source!

Surreal this feeling!

An indescribable sensation, redundancy without explanation.

The cell! A physical and metaphysical coma! The remorse of certainty, the deception of presumption!

Lonely pain.

Solitary the walk of a time without reporting, without venting, without confiding this horrible news received. The movies passing in thoughts of the general moments of my life in a few seconds, because the Judge returned to sentence my life imprisonment.

The lonely I even sentenciei me get away from people, friends, family, mirrors.

Yes mirrors, for I had taken a disgust of my own, where I felt that my soul was eternally defiled. Days and months passed, until I faced the worst enemy. Myself! The intimate enemy that makes you have the most painful and prejudiced feelings for yourself. I placed in my mind and heart that I would be a happy prisoner, where I would allow myself to return to my self, from where I had expelled him.

Knowing that the culprit for everything that happened was just me, the villain himself infuriated me. Knowing that I allowed myself to blacken, contaminate a temple called the body that God gave me perfect ... and I profaned it in a certain way.

Why I blamed myself for everything?

Editor's note: When I received my diagnosis I went through an extremely paranoid period where I felt that anyone could know that I am seropositive only from looks paramim.Senti fear, shame, guilt, self-humiliation and I thought yes, a lot, in suicide. A friend of mine, quye did me the favor of notifying my ex, who could, but was not, infected, says that a second later he had regretted to have spoken, because she entered a complete paranoid outbreak and it was difficult to bring her returns to the light of reality. AIDS, the disease, has the gift of driving people crazy when they feel they may have been touched by it. I never saw a single report from a person who received it with serenity, in an extreme case, a friend told me that her brother had AIDS and that she, before confirming the diagnosis, had the "hope that it was leukemia" And she is a psychologist! !!

Why not blame the partner? An obvious and simple answer, but difficult to see in the first moments. I was never raped, I was never forced to have sex, I was never forced or ordered that my sex should be without a condom, they never pointed a revolver to my head saying it would be pointless.

I allowed myself, I authorized, I left ... I WANTED!

Learn to accept their failure and do not want to impute it to the partner, it is the key that unlocks his arrest, the cell in which I myself had me locked.

The lonely!

Life is simple to live, it is healthy to continue and it is charitable to those who respect and care for post-release, post-deliverance and self-acceptance. Give yourself value, give value to your life, life out there and the life of everyone around, becomes the perpetual deliverance where you can forgive yourself. Living simple and intense is what I needed to be happy with myself and ready to face reality.

The reality is: I can be happy, healthy and have a totally normal relationship with a partner. Whether he is HIV-positive or not. We are normal, we are capable and we are human beings like any other. No more, no less than another!

If you need to talk and couldn't find me or Beto Volpe, this is a much more balanced option, Beto, you can also send your message. Maybe I can take a while. I check the messages at noon, shortly after, in fact, at 20:00.
It's getting harder and harder for me, this whole thing, to type.
And I end up needing an interval between one paragraph and another.

But be sure of one thing I learned:

Time and patience solve just about everything!

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