Better to die of "AIDS" or "vontAIDS"?

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, Soropositive Blog. OrgIn November 2015, through a WhatsApp message from an old girlfriend who had just discovered that she was HIV positive, my floor fell. A happy Monday, driving my car back from work, the first night I slept with a new girlfriend after a Sunday of a fight and reconciliation.

At the age of 27, I received an alert for something that until then I made fun of with the staff “better to die of AIDS than vontAIDS".

And then I started to cry, spending my whole life, every 27 years on the remaining 15 minutes from Dutra to my house, in Guarulhos. Not knowing if I had contracted the virus, but already asking God to get rid of it and also asking him to look for that person who had the COURAGE to notify me, alert me, I called a childhood friend and stopped by his house.

When he got in the car, he burst into tears of despair, unable to speak a word for about 10 minutes while he, anxious and worried, tried to understand what was happening. When I finally managed to say what was going on, he tried to give me strength, trying not to show despair and willing to go with me the next day to take the test, which I had never done before.

It was the longest night of my life. Getting home, locking myself in the room and pretending everything was fine, with it all going through my head. I started reading about HIV, symptoms and everything, and I realized that what I knew about the topic was just “the death of CAZUZA” and how much that is abhorred by society.


I started to see some symptoms of the infection that matched what was going on with me, several times unnoticed, because I had the habit of being invincible, of not being afraid of anything, that day I did! God showed me that I should be afraid. And since then, that word has become constant in me.

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I like to imagine Mara and me as in this photo. At a certain point in my life, I questioned myself about it and almost precipitated facts… Someone with very good sense helped me to stay “on the track and, today, more than ever, I am more than sure that Mara is the last woman of my life and, if her passage is before mine, there will be no one else, because I have a very good relationship level and, as in uo, in life, I always look the best and it would not be in the affective life that I would do for less ... Not me, not me ...

Even in situations that I shouldn't, she persists in haunting me. The next day, I went to a health center and there was my "sentence" ... Inside the car, this friend tried to console me while my most spoken phrase between tears was "I don't want to die". Young, happy, “healthy”, always without fear of anything.

Suddenly, none of this made any more sense. I will never forget that nurse's face, “snorting” without knowing how to tell me when in five minutes two “scratchies” appeared in my quick test. How hard it is just to remember this day ...

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“Fairy Godmother”… sometimes we need one. It's a shame that my friend was a godmother

And since then, the struggles are constant. In a week, I avoided seeing my girlfriend, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I lost 7 kg (glaring for those who are already thin), I told some family members who supported me in a fantastic way.

My godmother, always by my side, took me to the Post specialized in a country town where she lives, took care of everything for me, which had no structure for anything.

I who thought I was so much a man, in the first “battle” I saw how much I was just a kid, full of fears. But life and God wanted me to prepare for that.

In the following week, I went to my girlfriend's house, she already thought I was "putanhando" because it was strange all week.

With the excuse that I wanted to introduce her to my godmother / aunt, I took her to this country town and when I get to the front they are not real, what does this is the feeling of guilt and blood donates, at least, once a every six months and, without going into the merit of the relationship, without accusing anyone of anything, there is room, in my conscience, for “other lessons”…,

And since then, between many fights and disagreements, we stayed together. I became undetectable and she, with CD4 still high and viral load considered “low”, also started treatment with 3 × 1, just like me.

On June 13, we found out that she is pregnant. A feeling of happiness and fear, at the same time, we decided to get married, and on the XNUMXth of the month, next Saturday we will unite.

In parts, I feel happy. I want to have a new life. I know that God sometimes puts things to show that we are going wrong, that it is not the right direction. But I can't be the same anymore, always cheerful, confident, full of life, today nothing makes more sense ...

There was a more difficult time, at first, I suspected depression and apparently that would be normal. But I try to take life. Sometimes the subject of HIV comes up in our conversations, she without telling me clearly, yet I feel that she cannot accept it, as she said to me this night that she is “revolted” that she cannot accept that she has “that”.

I also don't get comfortable sometimes. But I try to accept what was outlined in my story, which perhaps could have been different, but unfortunately it was not.

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I usually say that, “throughout my life, I died a thousand deaths”. And, in fact, I believe that I have already surpassed this figure and I am not able to unravel, in predictions, how many deaths I will live (...) until the death of the “physical car” arrives, in addition to mercy. The fact is that every time I post a text that refers to the damage that HIV causes to the brain and the neural network, I fight for my own cause, since, from the beginning, when my opportunistic disease turned into meningitis, he, the virus, has been acting slowly and silently in my brain (I see my lucidity fading little by little) and in my neural network (…) and God knows the level of concentration that is necessary for me not to make typos, so that I don’t lose track of my reasoning and how much I suffer from the pains, physical and moral, of Peripheral Neuropathy that corrode my nervous system. However, despite the regrets, and having died so many times, I like to think that the death of the physical car comes like the one in the illustration, making Herculean efforts to reach me, crawling like a snail, dressed as a snail… rs, rs , LOL

I struggle so much to have a normal life, and “normal” is not a health condition in itself, but a good head. To have the pleasure of doing things as I had before. From watching a football game, laughing with friends or focusing on work. It seems that nothing else is important, everything has become supporting, I do things automatically not to "stop living".

I hope this will pass, there are days that are very close to “normal”, as before. I know we shouldn't be victimized, we have to go in search of dreams and everything. But I confess that the fact of holding this “burden” of my bride's serology alone, sometimes destroys me.

She thinks the family will not understand and I will be seen as the "killer". I understand her, I also respect the position, maybe I even agree. But sometimes having no one to share with or at least vent about this cross is not easy.

Sorry for the outburst lol. I hope I haven't taken your time too much and thank you for sharing some of your experiences with readers.

God bless you greatly. Long life!

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And it was not within a "comfort zone"! This is a story that only I have to tell!

I was the first individual, a CPF, not a CNPJ to, in quotes, “Slap my face”!

For all that I lived, it all happened in a period still troubled by prejudice and, yes, there were prices to be paid.

The currency has always been that of social exclusion and I have even hesitated between continuing or not!

The great “IT” of all this is that without this work, I would have nothing left but leisure and I would certainly not endure it. I have a need to be productive.

We are Borg!

If not bored by the empty hours, at least by suicide due to the absolute lack of purpose that my life would have and the terrible impression of parasitosis that would come to affect me. So, I couldn't stop.

I had the opportunity to accomplish many things and, on the other hand, I missed several opportunities to do more, with a deeper and better reach.

Not everything is as desired. Let it rain (Guilherme Arantes)!

Anyway, if you have the possibility to support, to finance, even if only minimally this project, here are the facts:

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This is the Only Blog ”Still ON LINE” to have received this award and this consecration. The blog that achieved the same status was Solidariedaids, by Paulo Giacommini. Unfortunately I can't find the link and the communication this me and he is very difficult
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Unique Blog On Line Treating this theme to have received this award by the Academic Jury

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