In November 2015 through a WhatsApp message from an old girlfriend who had just discovered to be HIV positive, my floor fell. A happy Monday, driving my car coming home from work, the first night I slept in the home of a new girlfriend after a Sunday of a fight and reconciliation.
To 27 years, I received a warning of something that until then I made fun with the catchphrase "better to die of AIDS than vontAIDS"
So put me to cry, through the whole life, all 27 years 15 in minutes path remaining Dutra to my house, in Guarulhos. Not knowing if I had contracted the virus, but already asking God to get rid of it and also asking him to look for the person who had the COURAGE to notify me, alert, called a childhood friend and spent in his house.
When he got into the car, he falls in tears of despair, unable to even speak a word for a few minutes while he 10, anxious and worried, trying to understand what happened. When I could finally say what was happening, he tried to give me strength, trying not to show despair and prontificando to go with me the next day to do the test, which until then I had never done.
It was the longest night of my life. Get home, lock himself in the room and pretend that everything was fine with it all going through my head. I started reading about HIV, symptoms and everything, and I realized that what I knew about the subject was just "the death of Cazuza" and how it is abhorred by society.
I began to see some symptoms of the infection that met what was happening to me, many times unnoticed, to have the invincible mania, not to be afraid of anything, that day I had! God showed me that I should rather be afraid. And since then the word has become constant in me.
Even in situations that should not, she keeps on haunting me. The next day, I went to a clinic and there was my "sentence" ... Inside the car, the friend tried to comfort me as my most spoken phrase in tears was "I do not want to die." Young happy, "healthy", always without fear of anything.
Suddenly, none of it made sense. I'll never forget the face of that nurse, "snorting" without knowing how to tell me in five minutes when suddenly two "risquinhos" in my quick test. How hard just remember this day ...
And since then, the struggles are constant. In a week, I avoided seeing my girlfriend, I did not sleep, did not feed me, I lost 7 kg (glaring for those who are already thin), I told some people in the family who have supported me in a fantastic way.
My godmother, always beside me, took me to the station specializing in a town where it resides, took care of everything for me, who had no structure at all.
I thought to myself as man, the first "battle" saw how much I was just a kid, full of fears. But life and God wanted me to prepare me for this.
The next fds, went to the house of my girlfriend, she's already thinking I was "putanhando" it was strange all week.
With the excuse that he wanted to show her my godmother / aunt took her to this country town and get in front they are not real, what makes it is the feeling of guilt and blood donated at least once every six months, and without going into the merits of the relationship, without accusing anyone of anything, there is space in my consciousness, "other conclusions" ...
And since then, and many fights and arguments, we were together. I became undetectable and she, with still high CD4 and viral load considered "low" also began treatment with 3 1 ×, just like me.
Day 13 June, we discover that she is pregnant. A sense of happiness and fear at the same time, we decided to get married, and day twentieth month, next Saturday we will unite.
In part, I feel happy. I want a new life. I know that God puts things sometimes to show that we are walking wrong, that is not the right direction. But I can not be the same, always cheerful, confident, full of life today nothing makes much sense ... more
There was a more difficult time at first suspected a depression and apparently that was normal. But I try to take life. Sometimes the HIV issue comes into our conversations, it without telling me clearly, still feel unable to accept, as he told me that night walking "outraged" that can not accept that you have "it."
Also not resign myself sometimes. But I try to accept what was outlined in my story, which perhaps could have been different, but unfortunately it was not.
I fight so much to have a normal life, and "normal" is not about health condition in itself, but good head. Have the pleasure of doing things as I had before. To see a football game, to laugh with friends or to focus on the job. It seems that nothing else is important, everything became second, do things on auto-not to "stop living."
I hope this pass, there are days that are very close to "normal" as before. I know we should not victimize, have to go in search of dreams and everything. But I confess that the fact of holding this "burden" of serology my own bride, sometimes destroys me.
She thinks the family will not understand and I will be seen as the "killer." I understand she also respect the position for live I might even agree. But sometimes they do not have someone to share or at least vent about this cross is not easy.
Sorry rs outburst. I hope I have not really taken the time and thank you for sharing some of his experiences with readers.
God bless you greatly. Long life!