13 of November of 2016, for me, Cláudio Souza 22 years of life with HIV
A lot of people were born on this date and if you who are reading me now have been born on this very day stop and think, "How much has I lived since I was born?"!
And surely you will remember, at some point, have had will have already 18 years and not be a "di lower" in order to, for example, into a hotel with that special someone, who probably will not have been the first, but ... but it was the first achievement you made then have "Consecrated Man"!
Then think about me. But not with the eyes of pity, because pity is the worst feeling one can feel for me, especially if I so understand ...
Look at me with the eyes of reason and see that I stopped counting pneumonia when he was the eighth and had a pneumocystis pneumonia, pneumonia caused by a particularly aggressive etiological agent and that, as a rule, kills in three days; and, despite that, I survived!
In the list of incidents that I had with my health for a diagnosis of thrombus pulmonary embolism repetition (I had two), a heart attack, two meningitis, one caused by cryptococcus, another truly aggressive etiological agent and, despite it all, I I'm still here writing.
But all this is nothing. When I was diagnosed, I was a DJ and had an electronic organizer with over three hundred contacts and, to be honest, I think I called about twenty of them and when the answers began to become repetitive I realized it would be useless waste of time and this phone "bid to try to find help."
I went back to the streets at the age of thirty; And I say I came back because, from twelve to seventeen and a little I was a homeless. But that was already contact and just look at the testimonial session (positive stories (sic)) and look for Cláudio Souza. I think that it is only Claudius or Claudius (name of emperor) and synonymous of "the manco". Yeah, I know, I messed up a lot ...There is also the important detail to be reported here:
Probably in March, at a date determined yet will be released the book of my memories (or publishable part of it) entitled Memories of a Night Man, that is a different version of that given by women at night (...) and, perhaps, as loquacious as their ... (...) ...
"Friends that time" there was only one, which only speaks to me when I call, and since the cost of the call is the same, there must be some reciprocity, there is not and I get months and months without calling him.
A friend, Elizabeth Castro, -Bete, look for me ... - which could, for me, a place in the House of Support Brenda Lee and there I could, in three months, recover my normal weight of that time, which was 100KG. But the environment in the home support was lousy and not to go crazy in there, given that I could not go out to look for work (I was a statistic that served to make more money). If anyone can explain to me how a cable of police at that time, could have a Gol GTI 2.0 I'll be very pleased, because it was he who, after a series of "Coups", assumed the presidency of the house and then yes, it was fucking ...
But for me, it was not much, because I had tofollow a person, Waldir, who was physically unable to care for themselves and, as they were small his needs, I always had time to help support the other patients, to give them some hope (I myself had not, there views the cocktail, as you like to call, had not been "invented"!
I made many friends and friends there and I remember a period of about a month that I have not spent a single day without attend a funeral as she thought about when would be my ... (...) ...
He, the funeral has not yet come.
It is sure to come, but I do not worry about it.
Before I discover HIV status I was thus a kind of "emotional delinquent" who spared no effort to conquer a woman, even if it meant having to count "a lie to her" ...
That has changed. In the first thwack that I took with Dra. Guadalupe telling me I had to go to the CRT-A to make a confirmatory examination for HIV, because my first test gave positive.
Passed since then, an immense inner reform and dare to say, me, now that I am a better person and especially now that found an analyst who could even help me get things my conscience hid me not being able to deal with them, Maira. Yes, I am impatient, sometimes hard on the words and, in certain situations my verbiage seems more like that of a longshoreman pier of Santos, than a person who, while living on the street for the first time, sometimes I was with nothing to eat to buy a book, read it, get money to another. Read it and exchange them for a third and so on I was instructing me, through the savagery of the streets, where often I ate trash MC Donalds ...
This is not part of this story, but I, after having passed by both houses of support, convinced me that there would be no support from home for me and went to the streets.
I picked up cardboard, pulled out those wagons, had to choose between eating or sleeping, but I made mine. One day I had $ 15,00 in my pocket, I went to the Pajé gallery, I bought ten of those virtual gadgets, I talked to one person, and she released me to work on that street and I went. I shouted: "Look at the virtual pet at five reales!" And sold like water. In a short time I was able to rent a room in a boarding house, and in a little while I was living in a house in Jardim Maria Dirce, in Guarulhos. I met a person who, in theory, would have accepted my condition, "for loving me," and I saw that it was not quite the same on the day she said,
- "That shit doencinha this you have!"
And I thought, "What woman garbage I arranged for me!"
I met her at a club and at the beginning I feared for the future of that relationship, and yet, I tried everything I could, until I moved poara the city of origin of it, in São Paulo, and by the time I saw that the relationship does not would progress I after fights and more fights, tired, and one day, at a time when I did not in the same bed with her slept, woke up, and I remember it was a Saturday morning and I saw her sitting at table and said:
"Good Morning". She did not respond and I was more assertive: - "I said good morning"And she left me with this: -"HOW CAN I HAVE A GOOD DAY IF THE FIRST PERSON THAT I SEE IS YOU"? I had already made up my mind to separate myself from her and I resisted that volley ball: "Do not worry about it, in less than a week there will be no trace of my presence in your life"
Worsened the case because one of her family asked if such a thing (HIV positive) was real and the devil said he knew nothing.
I did go through scoundrel.
This only intensified my anger and the same night I I shook me to São Paulo and stayed a while in a hotel, helped by a person who had me in high esteem and, at some point I claudiquei and betrayed her trust. In my defense, in this respect, but I can only say that this person who supported me was also the primary cause of all psychiatric imbalance where I was kept, and a night of madness ... I spent R $ 3.000,00 in call girls, trying to design in either of these, that which I, at the time, really loved (Helen of Capri, these times are gone, you are now a reminder sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter, you know, I know you know ...) .
Finally, I returned to São Paulo.
There were other relationships, it is true, and unfortunately I made a mistake with a person and I would love to be able to know if she may have already reached the distance of the facts and she has seen that I was not focused (I was completely crazy, looking at dozens of Women I could never find, because each person is a person is a person and there is no other equal, except for twins, and he did not see things clearly, that what I did in an insanity night I would not do never was in good conscience and God knows what I lost it, and that has forgiven me! ... I do not know if one day she can see it, and it turned out, I also believe that I can not know ... (...) ...
What do I do not know if you know is the hole where I was obliged to me interning a kit with less than 30 square meters, almost triangular arrangement, which, despite having a good time, was one of the worst places I I lived, including in it the streets ...
Anyway, after a little more than a year of madness I decided to end it all, the madness I was beginning to destroy me in an unprintable context, I picked up my cell phone and called the person who, for over 15 years has been my friend, lover and companion; A "accomplice"
Can you come over today?
Today I can not.
So I risked everything and thought: Alea Jacta Est:
I told her I wanted to live with her, being a couple.
She asked my reverie was over I was adamant: Finished!
We talked ... cell for five or ten minutes maybe fifteen minutes! (Never mind! I just remember having lost track of time a week later we were living together! And that has been around for nearly fifteen years)