13 of November of 2016, for me, Cláudio Souza 22 years of life with HIV
A lot of people were born on this date and if you who are reading me now have been born on this very day stop and think, "How much has I lived since I was born?"!
And surely you will remember, at some point, have had will have already 18 years and not be a "di lower" in order to, for example, into a hotel with that special someone, who probably will not have been the first, but ... but it was the first achievement you made then have "Consecrated Man"!
Then think about me. But not with the eyes of pity, because pity is the worst feeling one can feel for me, especially if I so understand ...
Look at me with the eyes of reason and see that I stopped counting pneumonia when he was the eighth and had a pneumocystis pneumonia, pneumonia caused by a particularly aggressive etiological agent and that, as a rule, kills in three days; and, despite that, I survived!
In the list of incidents that I had with my health for a diagnosis of thrombus pulmonary embolism repetition (I had two), a heart attack, two meningitis, one caused by cryptococcus, another truly aggressive etiological agent and, despite it all, I I'm still here writing.
But all this is nothing. When I was diagnosed, I was a DJ and had an electronic organizer with over three hundred contacts and, to be honest, I think I called about twenty of them and when the answers began to become repetitive I realized it would be useless waste of time and this phone "bid to try to find help."
I returned to the streets at the age of thirty; and I say I came back because, from twelve to seventeen and a little I was a homeless. But that was already contact and just look at the testimonial session (positive stories (sic)) and look for Cláudio Souza. I think that it is only Claudius or Claudius (name of emperor) and synonymous of "the manco". Yeah, I know, I screwed up ...There is also the important detail to be reported here:
Probably in March, at a date determined yet will be released the book of my memories (or publishable part of it) entitled Memories of a Night Man, that is a different version of that given by women at night (...) and, perhaps, as loquacious as their ... (...) ...
"Friends that time" there was only one, which only speaks to me when I call, and since the cost of the call is the same, there must be some reciprocity, there is not and I get months and months without calling him.
A friend, Elizabeth Castro, -Bete, look for me ... - which could, for me, a place in the House of Support Brenda Lee and there I could, in three months, recover my normal weight of that time, which was 100KG. But the environment in the home support was lousy and not to go crazy in there, given that I could not go out to look for work (I was a statistic that served to make more money). If anyone can explain to me how a cable of police at that time, could have a Gol GTI 2.0 I'll be very pleased, because it was he who, after a series of "Coups", assumed the presidency of the house and then yes, it was fucking ...
But, for me, it was not much, because I had to follow a person, Waldir, who was physically unable to care for themselves and, as they were small his needs, I always had time to help support the other patients, to give them some hope (I myself had not, there views the cocktail, as you like to call, had not been "invented"!
I made many friends and friends there and I remember a period of about a month that I have not spent a single day without attend a funeral as she thought about when would be my ... (...) ...
He, the funeral has not yet come.
It is sure to come, but I do not worry about it.
Before I discover HIV status I was thus a kind of "emotional delinquent" who spared no effort to conquer a woman, even if it meant having to count "a lie to her" ...
That has changed. In the first thwack that I took with Dra. Guadalupe telling me I had to go to the CRT-A to make a confirmatory examination for HIV, because my first test gave positive.
I have since passed through an immense inner reformation and I would dare to say, from myself, now that I am a better person and especially now, that I met an analyst who even managed to help me recover things that my conscience had hidden from me for not being able to deal with them, Maira. Yes, I am impatient, sometimes hard with words, and in certain situations my verbiage seems more like that of a dockworker on the docks of Santos, than that of a person who, while living in the street, for the first time, sometimes he would not have anything to eat to buy a book, read it, get money for another. Read it and exchange it for a third party and so on I was instructing myself, amid the savagery of the streets, where I often ate from the trash of MC Donalds ...
This is not part of this story, but I, after having passed by both houses of support, convinced me that there would be no support from home for me and went to the streets.
I picked cardboard, pulled those carts, had to choose between eating or sleeping, but I started doing mine. One day I had R $ 15,00 in my pocket, I went to the Pajé gallery, bought ten of those virtual pets, talked to someone, and she released me to work on that street and I went. I shouted: "Look at the virtual pet for five reais"! And sold like water. In a short time I managed to rent a room in a pension, and in a little while I was living in a house there in Jardim Maria Dirce, in Guarulhos. I met a person who, in theory, would have accepted my condition, “for loving me” and I saw that it was not quite like that the day she said:
- "That shit doencinha this you have!"
And I thought, "What woman garbage I arranged for me!"
I had met her at a nightclub and at first I feared for the future of that relationship, and yet I tried everything I could, even moved to her home city in the interior of São Paulo and, over time, I saw that the relationship would not progress after fights and more fights, I got tired, and one day, at a time when I was not even sleeping with her, I woke up, and I remember, it was a Saturday morning and I saw her sitting on the table and said:
"Good Morning". She didn't answer and I was more assertive: - “I said good morning”And she left me with this: -"HOW CAN I HAVE A GOOD DAY IF THE FIRST PERSON THAT I SEE IS YOU"? I had already made the decision to part with her and hit that volley ball: "Do not worry about it, in less than a week there will be no trace of my presence in your life"
Worsened the case because one of her family asked if such a thing (HIV positive) was real and the devil said he knew nothing.
I did go through scoundrel.
This only intensified my anger and the same night I I shook me to São Paulo and stayed a while in a hotel, helped by a person who had me in high esteem and, at some point I claudiquei and betrayed her trust. In my defense, in this respect, but I can only say that this person who supported me was also the primary cause of all psychiatric imbalance where I was kept, and a night of madness ... I spent R $ 3.000,00 in call girls, trying to design in either of these, that which I, at the time, really loved (Helen of Capri, these times are gone, you are now a reminder sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter, you know, I know you know ...) .
Finally, I returned to São Paulo.
There were other relationships, it's true, and unfortunately I was wrong with one person and I would very much like to know if she may have already distanced herself from the facts and that she has seen that I was not centered (I was completely crazy, looking at dozens of mulhers what I could never find, since every person is a person is a person and there is no other equal, except for twins, and who did not see things clearly, that what I did on a night of insanity I would not do I would never have been in my right mind and God knows what I lost with it, and that you have forgiven me! ... But I do not know if someday she will be able to see it, and if she did, I believe I can not know ... " ...
What I do not know if you know is the hole in which I was forced to commit myself, a kit with less than 30 square meters, almost triangular layout, where, despite having had a good time, it was one of the worst places I I lived, including the streets ...
Anyway, after a little more than a year of madness I decided to end it all, the madness I was beginning to destroy me in an unprintable context, I picked up my cell phone and called the person who, for over 15 years has been my friend, lover and companion; A "accomplice"
Can you come over today?
Today I can not.
So I risked everything and thought: Alea Jacta Est:
I told her I wanted to live with her, being a couple.
She asked my reverie was over I was adamant: Finished!
We talked for ... cell phone for five or ten minutes maybe fifteen minutes! (It does not matter! I only remember having lost track of time a week later we were living together!) And that has been around for almost fifteen years.
Here a short tribute
This is a story that few can tell!