13 of November of 2016, for me, Cláudio Souza 22 years of life with HIV
A lot of people were born on this date and if you who are reading me now have been born on this very day stop and think, "How much has I lived since I was born?"!
And you will certainly remember that at some point you have had the desire to have 18 years and not be a "minor" to be able, for example, to enter a hotel with that special person, who probably would not have been the first, but ... , but it was the first achievement you made after you became "Consecrated Man"!
Then think about me. But not with the eyes of pity, because pity is the worst feeling anyone can feel for me, especially if I realize it ...
Look at me with the eyes of reason and see that I stopped counting pneumonia when he was the eighth and had a pneumocystis pneumonia, pneumonia caused by a particularly aggressive etiological agent and that, as a rule, kills in three days; and, despite that, I survived!
In the list of incidents that I had with my health for a diagnosis of thrombus pulmonary embolism repetition (I had two), a heart attack, two meningitis, one caused by cryptococcus, another truly aggressive etiological agent and, despite it all, I I'm still here writing.
But all this is nothing. When I was diagnosed, I was a DJ and had an address book with over three hundred contacts and to be honest I believe I called about twenty of them and when the answers started to become repetitive I realized that it would be wasted time and phone this "try to find help" bid.
I went back to the streets at the age of thirty; and I say I came back because, from twelve to seventeen and a little I was a homeless. But that was already contact and just look at the testimonial session (positive stories (sic)) and look for Cláudio Souza. I think that it is only Claudius or Claudius (name of emperor) and synonymous of "the manco". Yeah, I know, I screwed up ...
There is also the important detail to be reported here:
Probably in March, at a date not yet determined will be released the book of my memories (or the publishable part of it) entitled: Memories of a Man of the Night, which is a version different from that given by the women of the night (...) as talkative as theirs ... (...) ...
"Friends that time" there was only one, which only speaks to me when I call, and since the cost of the call is the same, there must be some reciprocity, there is not and I get months and months without calling him.
A friend, Elisabete Castro, "Bete, look for me ...", who got me a vacancy in the Support House Brenda Lee and there I could, in three months, recover my normal weight, from that time, which was 100KG. But the environment in the support house was terrible and, in order not to go crazy inside, since I could not go out to look for a job (I was a statistic that was used to secure more money). If someone can explain to me how a police officer at that time could have a GTI 2.0 Gol I will be very pleased, because it was he who after a series of "coup d'etats" had taken over the presidency of the house and then, it was fucking good
But, for me, it was not much, because I had to follow a person, Waldir, who was physically unable to care for themselves and, as they were small his needs, I always had time to help support the other patients, to give them some hope (I myself had not, there views the cocktail, as you like to call, had not been "invented"!
I have made many friends there and I remember a period of about a month in which I did not spend a single day without attending a funeral while I thought when it would become mine ... (...) ...
He, the funeral has not yet come.
It is sure to come, but I do not worry about it.
Before I found myself a carrier of HIV I was, therefore, a kind of “emotional delinquent”, who spared no effort to win over a woman, even if it meant having to tell “some lie to her”…
That has changed. In the first thwack that I took with Dra. Guadalupe telling me I had to go to the CRT-A to make a confirmatory examination for HIV, because my first test gave positive.
I have since passed through an immense inner reformation and would dare to say of myself now that I am a better person and especially now that I have found an analyst who has even been able to help me recover things that my conscience had hidden from me for not being able to deal with them, Maira. Yes, I am impatient, sometimes hard with words, and in certain situations my verbiage seems more like that of a dockworker on the docks of Santos, than that of a person who, while living in the street, for the first time, sometimes she would not have anything to eat to buy a book, read it, get money for another. Read it and exchange it for a third party and so on I was instructing myself, amidst the wildness of the streets, where I often ate from the trash of MC Donalds ...
This is not part of this story, but I, after having passed by both houses of support, convinced me that there would be no support from home for me and went to the streets.
Catei cardboard, pulled those carts, had to choose between eating or sleeping, but I was doing mine. One day I had R $ 15,00 in my pocket, I went to Paje gallery, bought ten of those virtual pets, I talked to a person, and she released me to work on that street and I went.
I shouted: "Look at the virtual pet to five real"!
And it sold like water. Soon I was able to rent a room in a boarding house, and some time I was living in a house there in Jardim Maria Dirce in Guarulhos. I met a person who, in theory, would have accepted my condition, "for loving me" and I saw that was not the case on the day when she said:
- "That shit doencinha this you have!"
And I thought, "What woman garbage I arranged for me!"
I had met her at a nightclub and at first I feared for the future of that relationship, and yet I tried everything I could, even moved to her home city in the interior of São Paulo and, over time, I saw that the relationship would not progress after fights and more fights, I got tired, and one day, at a time when I was not even sleeping with her, I woke up, and I remember, it was a Saturday morning and I saw her sitting on the table and said:
She did not answer and I was more assertive:
- "I said good morning"
And she left me with is:
-"HOW CAN I HAVE A GOOD DAY IF THE FIRST PERSON THAT I SEE IS YOU"?
I had already made the decision to separate myself from her and shot back to that ball volleying:
“Don't worry about it anymore, in less than a week there will be no more traces of my presence in your life"
Worsened the case because one of her family asked if such a thing (HIV positive) was real and the devil said he knew nothing.
I did go through scoundrel.
This only intensified my anger and in the same night I went to São Paulo and stayed at a hotel, assisted by a person who had me in high esteem and at some point I gave up and betrayed her confidence. In my defense in this respect, but I can only say that this person who supported me was also the primary cause of all the psychiatric imbalance in which I was kept and, on a night of madness ... I spent R $ 3.000,00 on program girls, trying to project on any of these, to the one that I, at the time, really loved (Helen de Capri, these times have passed, you are today a sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter memory, you know, I know you know ...) .
Finally, I returned to São Paulo.
There were other relationships, it's true, and unfortunately I was wrong with one person and I would very much like to know if she may have already reached distancing from the facts and that she has seen that I was not centered (I was completely crazy, looking at dozens of mulhers what I could never find, since every person is a person is a person and there is no other equal, except for twins, and who did not see things clearly, that what I did on a night of insanity I would not do I would never have been in my right mind and God knows what I lost with it, and that you have forgiven me! ... But I do not know if someday she will be able to see it and, if she saw it, I also think I can not know ... ...
What I do not know if you know is the hole in which I was forced to commit, a kit with less than 30 square meters, almost triangular layout, where, despite having had a good time, it was one of the worst places I I lived, including the streets ...
Anyway, after a little over a year of madness I decided to end it, the madness I was beginning to destroy myself in, in an unpublishable context, I grabbed my cell phone and called the person who, over 15 years ago has been my friend, lover and companion; “An accomplice”
Can you come over today?
Today I can not.
So I risked everything and thought: Alea Jacta Est:
I told her I wanted to live with her, being a couple.
She asked my reverie was over I was adamant: Finished!
We talked for ... cell phone for five or ten minutes maybe fifteen minutes! (It does not matter! I only remember having lost track of time a week later we were living together!) And that has been around for almost fifteen years.
Here a short tribute
Mara T, M .: This song was the idealization of Juca Chaves. You did for me.
I love you, today, more than yesterday and, I'm sure, tomorrow, I'll love you even more ...
And I would not have been able to realize this so little I accomplish it, not out you !!!!!!!!!!!!