Playing the Burial ... - I've Had a Hurry

One person came to me for whatsapp and said something like this:


Life is short to keep people from hurting, not hugging and not saying how important they are.

Tomorrow may not arrive and you did not say what you wanted ...
I started to respond, and when I saw the size of the text, I thought it could, and here it is, "render a post" (sic).
And I brought the beginning of the answer and I continued "the work", as follows below:

I know the quality of the photo is terrible, but I like it, because it portrays a rare moment, where, despite past regrets, I still can, even if from time to time, smile

It's not just tomorrow that can not come. We do not know, every second, if we have another, and yes, HIV modifies us and teaches us humility. To me, who appeared and was "publicly discovered" HIV also showed how many friends I did not actually have. And this is a sad pain. Bipolarity. I spent time under treatment for said Bipolar Affective Disorder and, secondly, a second, in my opinion, very serious diagnosis: "Borderline Personality Disorder". The popular short wick (I slapped the face of a person who tried to break through the line on a day of great revolt and he turned twice before standing on the ground as only a wreck could do. Borderline personality, made me not think for a second and so I sent one of my mistresses if FO ***. Fortunately she knew that I was almost 2 years without vacations and gave me a discount.Other, the overwhelming Most of them were not so generous, and this psychological profile, which is now slowed down, has generated a great number of enemies, and even today, almost 30 years later, I simply still have some people who hate me and I can not say them:

"Excuse me, I suffered from a psychiatric disorder !!! It was without thinking that I punched you "...

The truth is, "what done is done. What is done is done "and I know perfectly well what I have done and perfectly understand what they feel because, in the growth of my inner reformation, which has not yet been completed and which I certainly will not be able to do in this life, it has brought me" the thing "that made it possible for you to find me: "Empathy". It is easy for me to understand what and why people come to me when they are afraid, they are really terrified (the level of disinformation is very high) and they believe that after four weeks they are already subject (and they do not even know if they carry HIV ) to opportunistic diseases, and as much as I try, try, try and try, people do not seem to be able to recover reason purely simply because they are "terrified."

But terrified of what?

See you. It seems to me, and it seems to me, that everyone knows that HIV infection has treatment ... but do you really know?

If they do not know, bypassing those who contracted HIV accidentally, because I, for example, accidentally contaminated myself ...


Well ... I had been going from "girlfriend to girlfriend" for more than a decade and, safeguarding girls who very few demanded a condom, the rest ... Well, the rest did not mention it and I did not even bother with a condom ... fuck I thought, although he knew that this existed and I say that in another post, and I ended up getting HIV! It was not accidental. Accidentally it is when the condom bursts and no one searches PEP for NOT KNOWING THAT IT EXISTS. Well, if you know PEP exists, the condom bursts and you do not look for PEP and seroconverteu (I do not know why you "like this word so much": "Seroconversion") ...

Worse still, if they let themselves be populated by pages that speak in late seroconversion, or like the accursed son of a bitch who says on his ridiculous page that "if the relationship is anal the immune window is three years." The truth is that he's a damn homophobe and motherfucker and ***-puke-damn *** that he actually can not, and I've seen it with people who even got shot-confessed defendant- to throw A PARALLELEPIPPED IN A GAY, out of the closet ...

But I'm already taking another direction and if "ALL" know that there is treatment and that if the treatment is followed by wire to wick, with at least 95% of adhesion (you could, in theory, informed me a professional from the House of AIDS, when it was still on Frei Caneca Street, lose, or miss, once in a period of 30 days.

I write this without fear because, I say, as much as I trust her, and I blindly trust her because I know who she is, I will not risk this loss 5%.

So, in summary, with variations of difficulty for beginning treatment, what my doctor told me is the "tip of the iceberg that is HIV infection from the moment it gains access to our body" ** (...) ...

The truth is that terror is another. Look at this sentence I've heard:

- "It's not for me ... It's for my wife and my daughter (with whom he has been loyal, and only God can judge it), but they are not" guilty, they do not deserve "...
It is said; I, Cláudio Souza, the thirty million people who died and the others, for now, thirty-five million people who carry and live with HIV or AIDS, safeguarded (I do not like to use this word very much, but it is the best one fits) innocent exceptionswe deserve
I would have to go to Facebook and ask about four hundred people if they would let me list them here, with a photo and link to their profiles, if they would allow me to list them on the list "people who deserve to be living with HIV. "

It is this, in summary, that these people are afraid and, although the acidity of this passage of the text, I understand them because yes, I already feared this judgment and I got to develop a sad psychosis that led me to believe that anyone who looked at I would know, incontinenti, that I was, rs, rs, in fact I am, HIV carrier. And because of this I almost threw myself under a bus there in front of the Municipal theater in Sao Paulo, and I was not able to succeed because a person, actually a wardrobe, noticed my intent and stopped me.

I'm not joking

Bus and truck in motion blur on the highway at sunset

I'm not pissing off people who are terrified of this trial ... I know how it is ... Once, there was a long time ago in Rio de Janeiro, where a seropositive person entered the bus with his card of exemption from tariffs and excommunication driver inquired about the reason for the card ...
The young man said:

- "I have AIDS" ...

And Hell, and the Heavens, by the hand of the driver, collapsed on him, as Obelix could not fear, and the poor man, almost totally helpless as regards the capacity for reaction and self-defense, ended up failing to get on the bus, fortunately, two decent souls got off the bus and took him to the police district, the young man, who lodged a complaint and received a couple of dozen thousand reais, which, frankly, badly and badly, make up for something like this, if at all.

Well, if it were me, I'd punch him in the face. But it would have to be the self that is here with you now, and not the terrified and frightened self of fear who had just discovered that he lived with HIV and who lived in a support house that was, I attest and faith, a scenario that nor could Stephen King describe in his books, some good ones, other mediocre ones, and others still unfortunate, which produced absurdly ridiculous films like a cursed cemetery and others of sad depth and deep sadness, like "Waiting for a miracle" ... from mine?)

Note that this is an event from the end of the previous millennium and I still remember it ... And I do not know what to think about the _ victim_ (???)

IMPORTANT: I ​​was extending this text when I decided to quote a friend's blog and could not find it. I fell into myself and could not go on, nor leave the reasonings here, for they were incomplete and I would pass through the second ecclesiastical court of my life. I leave only the final part of the graft I would make and I give up here for now ...

Maybe you should see some pages on this blog and search Better understand AIDS, to understand what CD4 is, Viral Load and what they are, what they are and how they occur opportunistic infections, use the site search and write simple searches like "HIV", "AIDS", CD4 and others, so simple, that would lead you to a greater understanding of things ... and of course, you could look at other blogs and websites, I I went to look for the blog of a friend "Pleasure XXXXXXXXX" and I did not find it any more ... ☹ ☹ ☹ ...

I do not even like to think about what might have happened and this graft, which I was doing to put on the site, by the hour, to here ...

I really want to be wrong, but I fear I have lost a friend ... The following is part of it that was already ready and I have already scheduled the publication and I will not prevent it from going online


Praça da República - São Paulo (SP) - 05.06.2011 - General - View of Praça da República in the central part of the city. Photo: Priscilla Vilariño / SPTuris
Republic square. She already had a reputation that was pejorative. Indene to everything, I never ceased to be that I was and, I believe, I walked, from one side to another and from another to another, but always around the Republic Square that was, even if I did not know, the "home" in which Life educated me, in the way it could, generating, in one way or another, this person, excessively complicated, distrustful, and often frightened but who does as Paulinho of Viola prescribes: "Do as the Old Sailor, who during the fog, takes the boat slowly "

I will not lie and say that life with HIV is like "a walk to the square". As a matter of fact, living with HIV is much more like the queues of those people who, now, only now and finally now, have decided to take the yellow fever vaccine. After much I do not care "and a lot of omission from the General, that I do not know how he is elected and reelected, what I know is that I feel that I spent my life on the baton des ..., and as I said, after all and finally came, and even came, panic and everyone is running in desperation to get vaccinated and, just yesterday, there has been a "police case" because of the vaccine


With HIV, whether on the bridge where you cross slowly and painfully with the cruel doubt, the cruel doubt of the eternal immunological window, or the room of the "after all and finally diagnosed", conjugates the verb to fear (forgiveness for the bad word , Catso this is an Italian word that you can ), the verb to repent, the verb to suffer, the verb to doubt and the verb to despair, the verb suffocate, and the adjectives horrified, desperate, frightened, appalled, perplexed, surprised, and fevez, rational, who know with certainty that, thus, as I, living as I had lived, had only to give of it, but not to end it. Many are those, but not all, who end up getting to this condition of understanding that it was the "Modus vivendi" and many are the wives who dwell illusively in the climate of tranquility and security, when they find themselves caught in an armed trap, assembled and cynically prepared, lying and hypocritical, by their husbands. (I.e. It's the bitch that got them !!!!

Well, it's like I said ... What's done is done.

It seems little, well I know ... But in the most frightening darkness, lit match is a ray of light

I watch some Netflix series, and I recommend Downton Abbey and "Godless" (the redemption story of a man with whom I pretentiously identified myself, and I sometimes see a character who stops in the face of imminent and looking disaster , through thin thread of memory lamp (Vinicius de Moraes) and look at that moment, where he took it, because he wanted to or because there was nothing else to do, a certain decision and he thinks, desperately in the eagerness to have the opportunity to go back in time and "warn himself" not to commit "Such a mistake" (this would generate an impossible paradox to delineate where the person who returns simply, to give you who reads me a basis for their lessons, could not exist because the warning, once followed, would extinguish the precursor of the alarm ... ) and, I'm sure, it's not feasible to go back in time, as only Barry Allen can check on "Mach 3" ... And every time he goes there and changes something, again, and once again it only increases the shit he spreads, trying to "help" ...

Anyway, after we contract HIV all that's left is just that:

"Accept your life as it is and seek to improve it with patience" (Emmanuel by Chico Xavier) and, as my brother said, whom I loved so much and stabbed me in the back, told me that we had to touch the funeral, in an impressively correct metaphor that burial (I prefer burial) is something that, once started, will have to be touched to the end, however much it hurts to bury the person we love so much because we can not "simply throw them to vultures and other butchers "(what a sad sight).

If my wish were not to be cremated, and I urge all who read me to make use of this desire even if it is necessary to make the fire, preferably in the Republic Square. But ... if I did not want to be cremated, I would not want it to be a sad funeral, and, by God, do not do it ... No applause, because I see so much of this little cliché on TV that I refuse, forgive me those who think differently , I would only want, and so only a candle near the ashes, deposited near (tears) of the lake shown above, please Maria Luisa, or simply Malu, do not give me so feared misfortune and, if possible, a ban, like those of funerals of New Ooleans, playing Jazz and (why not) a Blues, Cazuza's: The Blues of Pity ... Because, if I'm gone, I'll have gone happy, to have, here and now, the slight impression that I am , yes, doing the right thing all the time, without even knowing what or what leads me, and a candle, to light my way in what I, I believe, I hope and long for, that it be my return to the Home, Beloved Mary of Nazareth

And that's more or less. There is nothing left but to touch the funeral, one day at a time, and in times of greater anguish, perhaps touch it at a rate of one second at a time, slowly and gradually until all possibilities are exhausted, and we can not foresee or at least imagine how, when or where this ends (if it ends) and even so, to continue living, making plans for the future, as my already announced desire to see how my beloved city, São Paulo, will complete 475 years, if, among other factors, this crazy: Kim Jong-un, do not press the button he says he has on his desk (keep us from this Lord!), and that other FDP, (duck?) Donald Trump, also do not do any more "climbing" than the ones he has systematically done.


Let's live, because it's just like Gonzaguinha: I get the purity of the children's response, it's beautiful, it's beautiful and it's beautiful! ... No gogó ...


And that's it. Do not have that sad sadness of being an Eternal Apprentice!


Jesus said to the crowd,

- "You are gods" ...

And Saul of Tarsus ratified

- "We are brothers of Christ and, therefore, Coherdeiros do Cristo "


Think a little


About Claudio Souza do Soropositivo.Org (508 articles)
Yes, this is the photo of me! My niece asked me to put this picture on my profile! .... I had here a description of me that one person described as "irreverent". This is really a euphemistic way of classifying what was here. All I know is that an "NGO" which occupies a building of 10 floors has established a partnership with me, and I have the logs of the partnership time, which was more a vampirism because for each 150 people leaving my site, clicking on them, there was, on average, one that came in. WHEN I ENTERED AND ENTERED

3 comments on Playing the Burial ... - I've Had a Hurry

  1. Very good text, I liked it very much.

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