My 1 Seropositive Testimonial
I have, within Yahoo's servers, a kind of First Chest, where things are stored that I sometimes think of deleting.
And among them, this my mI 1 Seropositive testimony.
A record of the first steps, here I will call the "world of AIDS.".
But the cowardice among cowardice, the blessed cowardice makes me not confirm the "deletion."
I delete it. (wow !!!)
It's incredible, Microsoft's Word recognized this "verb".
That goes from the margin to "N" Ilações and I leave them to some other unoccupied, maybe a lover of the Portuguese Language.
It has occurred to me now that I have never tried one of these and I am sure that this gap will not be fulfilled.
There are demons and some other Seropositive testimony
Anyway, I never confirm, and should, because there are demons that if they could get wings and get out of there ...
They would have the great and fearful power to make of my private hell a Public Hell.
And none "of them, the odious ones" will achieve it ...
Well, I found this text and am pasting it into this Word document with the original name, Waldir.
And this was the guy who taught me without a word the humility needed to understand that serving is a privilege and that the word Samurai is something that makes a lot of sense.
When translated and I dare say that, yes, maybe the sepukko had been valid in the times when I wanted to practice the sepukko.
HIV positive testimony: Today, fearless men travel to the future (Taiguara)
Today…. Today I love and am loved and Mara, and their existence sustain any despair or dismay. To love is to show living, yes, teacher, you were right and, I know, I will not be unfair, I saw ... And it matters in this testimony seropositive:
Reestablish, also, some obscured points by the time that, with its sands, by way of polishing, it erases things.
Even what has to be kept at any price
Well, I'll paste the text as it is, but I'm going to patch the typos.
For I had been in such a hurry to post then, because to post was to live.
And I had, at that time, a devastating hunger for life and for living that I did not review pikes ...
And I remember that a person who, in a moment of self-delusion deceived me, and in a moment of benevolent cruelty, had not been done as it was done, I would have killed myself in a short time, and would not have found happiness where I had been determined that I would find her, and she disappointed me, but she had said before, in another time and in another circumstance, that seeing my struggle for life made it impossible for people not to fall in love with me ....
Yeah, this person was right. But among so many people in love with me.
What the fuck did you say to me, "girl" ... there was my madness, I wanted to live so much that I went crazy and lost myself, again, in the pound of physical pleasure I almost gave myself up to, and if I had done it, everything would have been lost, including the armistice.
Well, I know that this text, this passage, will leave a lot of people confused and then, let's go to the "object of this text":
a Great Man I've met, and that's all I know of him, like Waldir ... I do not give a fuck ...
My 1 Teacher: Waldir
When the first squall went by, and the point of this on the timeline is the date on which I decided to look for my former manager, Elisabete Castro, who almost made me pay for her birthday party on SKY / Perepepês, because I announced her birthday and said that, as a matter of fact, there would be a performance of "Francisco Petronio and the Great Orchestra", which made her fuck life with me.
Francisco Petronio, thank God, was not found and I escaped from this.
I had come out of SKY in a thunderous way, I was in love with a girl named Marina, and on a Saturday I forgot to start the dance and I was doing "ambient music" for myself and the Marina until they came to the sound booth to remove it, and I, impetuous as I was, left the house in the middle of the Saturday, which goes of capital letter to aggravate the "crime" ...
Testimony: The Great Favor made by my brother (... blood only ...) In this Seropositive Testimony
Well, the union with Marina lasted for three years and it was not worth, in my opinion, to leave the post in a place where I was loved and respected and, frankly speaking, I think I was an idiot (I thought so already in the year 2000 and , today, in possession of all the informative material I have, I might eat a feijoada for six people just to go to her and vomit everything, wide and vast, about this person who, anyway, who did not deserve the gesture.
Fortunately ... Yes, Mauricio. Even without knowing you did me a big favor. What I wanted is that if you had opened the game with me I would advise against it, but it would open the way! And then you showed the Great Patife that you are, and always was (do you remember the cookie pack?). And in this HIV-positive testimony I record this, I certify, I certify and, you know, you will never, at any time, in this or any other system of things and facts, be able to regain my confidence. and I loved you man. Much!…
Seropositive testimony: Choose? ... No, there was no better choice, it's true.
That left me in doubt about looking for her, or Beth, or not .... but I had no choice.
The choice would be stay on the street one more time... .. Unacceptable under those circumstances, for I convalescated, badly and unctuously, in a high revolving hotel that explored the prostitution of transvestites, I hardly know how I could be tolerated there, but in the street, I would die ...
Seropositive testimony: I, who knew I could enter the house, despite everything, asked to be knocked on the door.
She came and led me inside. She looked at me and it was evident, after a time in a coma and having lost 40 Kg it is notorious that something had happened and that I was not well, and she offered me a snack and while the snack was prepared I tried to tell her the that had happened to me.
And even knowing that she had always been more than a manager and a true friend, I felt ashamed of my HIV status and the sad condition I was in.
The unanswered questions
The DJ! What made hundreds, thousands of people sing, fell, defeated, into the networks of their own mistakes, and I knew lucid, clear and painful of it.
It was a good time for questions:
- 'Where is the three times better sampa?
- Where the DJ of the Wagon Plaza?
- Where the one who abandoned Kanecão, from Mogi das Cruzes, in the middle of the dance because he was the one?
- Other questions would fit, many of them ...
- Where are the lovers?
- Where the lovers?
- At where? At where? At where?…
Seropositive testimony: The Cursed Aidetic
And in me, I feared that it would always be like this, as described in the codification, the somber moment of another helpless one who, once, also fell ...
It gave me such paranoia that I believed that anyone who looked at me on the street could see that I "had AIDS" and that at any moment someone would shout, pointing at me:
– HE HAS AIDS! FALL AWAY FROM HIM, GOD'S WRATH FELL ON HIM! ...
THE AIDTICAL DAMN
The Terror was indescribable
Crying where I cried, anyone cried. to give back what I gave, I want to see who gave
At last, after crying a little, I opened it with her, I told her what had happened and that, like everyone else, I had been, not only abandoned by "all my friends".
Since I also had nowhere to go and I did not know what to do, and again, as in so many other times in my life, I was beginning to lack moral strength (so everyone knows, I was once again approaching gradually, gradually and inexorably from the streaks of madness and suicide ...).
Seropositive testimony: A phone call.
She asked me out and made a phone call. Five, maybe ten minutes later, I want to emphasize that after the diagnosis, time is understood by me in a different way and what, for you, looks like eleven o'clock presents itself to me as something dragged, sticky and dilated of , maybe, decades ....
But, coming back, after the phone call she came over to me and asked if I could make it until 5 minutes to Major Diogo Street. It was almost a mile and I said I could try!
Another Place to Live
She told me that she had gotten a place for me to live in, this place is the House of Support which, I was told, ended up closing, I believe, a little over a year ago.
It was a place where "compassion" prevailed, on account of the administration of the house that had, among all, a deeper look at things.
This made her very special and sensitive and it was she who, using her intellectual resources and her ginga as a social worker, managed to get the owner of an optics to fan a pair of glasses, because my vision deteriorated.
Remember that advertisement for the "Consultations? Tranquility for a lifetime!
The support house offered six meals a day, washed laundry, cable TV! ...
It was a great place for anyone who was determined to stay, as Raul Seixas rightly set there, with his mouth open, wide open, full of teeth, waiting for death to arrive!
"The Sound Shadow"
But not for me, though there was no treatment and no hope, I did not want to be among madmen!
Having to sleep like a dog, with an ear always attentive.
Think of me, in bed, and my ear erecting, periodically, like a periscope, scrutinizing the environment.
Yes, it is laughable and it is to be so or I would kill you of boredom and sadness!
A little honey does not hurt anyone ...
The text is long and you need to sweeten it.
But I had to act this way with my feet, because there was always a risk of "something happening".
And I learned it on the second or third day I was there and they forgot to bring lunch to a person who could no longer walk.
And I went, I do not know why I went, until, until the diagnosis, I was not capable of any kindness, except when it came to "conquering a girl", to forget her the day after "My Victory! ".
This was already an effect of HIV, which showed me all people the "Orloff Effect":
"I am you tomorrow"!
Without hypocrisy, I tried to recover some sympathy for me, from God
No! ... realistic!
You will not scream! Or you will surely die. An extra command ...
On this day I saw something. When the transvestite who was the cook of the house, a black transsexual, with the marks of time and AIDS handed me the dish and another transvestite asked me who the dish would be. I should have said it was for me, but damn I said the name of the person who was going to ingest that food and I saw the transvestite, active tuberculosis carrier spit phlegm on the person's food, and said,
I'll kill you if I fall asleep! I took the plate and the servi ... (may God have mercy on me ...)
A Classic Example ...
She was a classic example of what happened at that House of Support and, for the good of the truth, the people of the administration knew nothing.
I want to establish something here, my personal opinion about support houses, it is usually exercised from me to me, who craved for life and this eagerness only became possible because I was well treated and well fed and, with the meals of this house I I was able to recover my weight (God, God, thanks for the body you gave me!) to the amazing reason of almost 1KG per day!
And also, because after I realized, somehow it was not quite like that, other than what contrary to what I was told, I would not die in six months, I wanted, desperate, insane, anguished, tresloucada, desperate, unstoppable, unspeakable and compulsively recover my life.
I already knew that it would not be like DJ and, I think, to imagine that it ended the career of the DJ (self pitty), and I left in search of other ways!
All of them "self-sanctified themselves before them, that changed only in the monthly event that I christened" Zoo Day ", when the House was visited by" benefactors "and, I do not know if this cursed woman lives, or if she does not live, there is something that I long for, and anxiously wants, to be in Hell, in a department built just for her, in the fashion of Hindu belief, where the fallen live under the glove of fire and suffocation, the boats of snakes and starving birds , of poisons and hammers, blades and prisons ...
Tuberculosis and chemoprophylaxis
According to the first infectologist who answered me, Casa de Apoio was a "focus" of tuberculosis, "and so he entered with tuberculosis treatment and this distressed me even more. About this Zoo day I went through this twice and all I wanted was a forked ...
And it was for this same reason, the focus of tuberculosis rather than the forked one, which I was prescribed as chemoprophylaxis, by him who prescribed me the treatment of tuberculosis, and also, as it was, I no longer know, that he prescribed an antibiotic, in my day it was Bactrim® 500mg per day, in a routine drug called chemoprophylaxis. And the complete medication to treat tuberculosis, if you have it (not cool?) To not have it!
Chemical hostility? And not chemistry ...
This prophylaxis consists in taking, to say, in the organism, a "chemically hostile" environment and preventing certain infections or affections (a disturbance of the functions of an organ, of the psyche or of the organism as a whole that is associated with specific signs and symptoms).
AZT I refused to take (Ah Dra Cippollari, did not you? And you still went to sleep at the wheel ...), because in theory he would give another two years of survival, in a desperate dose of six pills every four hours, this involved two interruptions of sleep every night and six sessions of daily vomiting ...
The golden opportunity (...)
Then came the golden opportunity (I re-read this now, in 2018 I'm scared of this expression!) I was still crazy when I wrote this and did not even notice it.
A new patient had arrived at the support house, extremely debilitated, he needed to be taken to the hospital every day, and he needed to be accompanied. They came to me and said ....
(she was the social worker, Rosa Maria (In Memorian)
You who I see clearly not being happy here, can take this opportunity ... and explained to me what had to be done.
And I said yes.
After all, it was an opportunity to be useful and one more possibility to leave, to see the world, people, clear my thoughts.
At the CRT-A, Rua Antônio Carlos
It was a relatively simple routine: in the morning, I showered her, I cleaned her bedsores, I had to learn a lot about human frailty.
And I finally recognized that it might be me in his place someday ... And besides, by the hand on a man's penis, it did not make me any less a man!
I was doing the bandages as the nurse had taught me.
And he walked him, step by step, to the ambulance.
Arriving at the hospital, he would put him in a wheelchair and take him to the third floor, where he was placed on a bed and received intravenous medication.
Endo medication ... All day long ...
It was there, like that, all day long.
I did not know what he had, but it was terrible because he barely held on to his legs.
Need support to go to the bathroom, to eat, to everything .... Even a glass of water he could not handle. Even so, I found time to get to know the other patients on that floor and went as far as possible, making friends, getting to know those people, their stories, making them my family.I even gained the trust of the doctors and nurses who came to see me as a helper, someone else to collaborate with. I do not know, here in 2018, how could they take such a risk with a layman, so crazy ....
Seropositive testimonial: Trying to help. And learning to live
He sought a wheelchair, pushing stretchers, did everything he could to help.
Brought water to a patient, nurses warned about the serum that was over, the vein that had been lost, learned a lot about the routine of a hospital and I owe it to each person who had the privilege of serving.
Meanwhile, the Waldir was getting worse every day. But I do not recall having seen or heard a single complaint, one tear of pain, nothing. A nameless dignity, courage, to me, completely unknown. After so much work with Waldir, I got a weekend as a present, a damn present ...
Love? It is, Russo, you are right ... you must love as if there is no tomorrow "
I was able to review some people to whom I still love - this was said and written around 1997 / 1998 "I can not love being ashamed of myself, nor one who, on one fine day, spoke of gratitude for me (who had not even realized I had done this) protected her life at the risk of losing my own life. I will tell you what happened and what I did, at that moment I instinctively adopted the position I would take today with regard to anyone who was close to me and who might be at risk.The former Roman soldier still dwells in me ... (today, in 2081, I do not know if I love them anymore ...), making a commitment to return on Monday.
I confess it was a relief. I was tired of seeing pain, suffering, anguish, and feeling helpless. It was a weekend where I should have relaxed.
But I could not. I was thinking about Waldir all the time. Are they feeding him?
Did they bathe him?
Is he well taken care of?
Does he think I've abandoned him?
It will be?…
It was a sea of questions and, on Monday, collapsed at the home support, looking for him. A cynical smile from another patient and notification:
"Waldir is on the last. We've even shared their stuff. Here is like that…".
You know that damn spit? Sonia crazy, I remembered your name!
Well ... She came to me with what would have been, in those days, Waldir's best outfit and said,
Do you recognize that? He gave it to me ... and not to you ...
If she could have known how close she was, of having her head not only squashed but made into bagasse ...
Awe, and I believe she had, yes, this impression, for I gave her a look ...
She stepped back three or four steps ...
Flee and flee
People who know me well know, after that look, the silence ... Avia-te, there is little time to escape ...
The Fourth Floor, the exit door ...
I fired into the hospital, fourth floor, I practically came in by force. I wanted to see him, to say a few words, to hug him, to apologize for some mistake he had made ... a handshake, anything that could seal our friendship at the moment of his departure .... The picture I saw was terrifying and I immediately understood why try to stop me from seeing him.
Waldir no longer recognized anything, could not see me.
He looked around him, seeing other people, other things ....
Within the new context that was approaching him, I meant nothing ... I was left behind, I felt and condemned myself in a summary rite of abandonment:
Guilty! (another, another indelible guilt).
In Silence ... What then? ...
I left the room in silence, eyes wet, heart hardened, hurt myself and life. I hoped to raise him to a better level (Vanity between vanities, all vanity), in which I could enjoy more and better the gift of life.
I thought my "slack" had killed him. He was sure of it there, in that dismal moment ....
I sat in the waiting room and waited for the notification. It took more than 19 hours before it was over and he could finally rest.
I called the administration of the support house that asked me to take care ... of the funeral of an indigent.
I had never dealt with death so closely. Papers, documents, certificates, and autopsy.
Miliary tuberculosis (disseminated throughout the body), as explained to me. That killed Waldir.
After three days, his body was released, in a cardboard casket, painted black, as fragile as life itself.
Those cheap ones, and we went, the driver, Waldir and I, towards Vila Formosa.
Where your remains would be left.
I remember that the expression on his face was serene, for I saw him well, before closing the coffin ...
The Tooth of the World
(Gilberto Gil - Nefarious Person)
There was no one to help me carry the coffin to the grave.
The driver refused. Same, the gravediggers ... I think even the whore who gave them would have done differently!
After much begging, I got three people attending another funeral to assist me in this:
What was my last service to Waldir (...).
I could not, because I did not have a penny, plant a flower in that tomb, I do not even know where it is ... The Vila Formosa Cemetery is the biggest one of the did not know how to write, how to register, as nothing. Until then I was a virgin for the virgin Age on the part of death,
Today I know, they would remove to resell the vase as soon as I disappeared from the look ....
I remember still having stayed at the support house for a few days. Then I decided on something:
I went to a hospital in Glicerio to talk to the social worker there.
And the social worker there told me that I could not afford a place to stay.
That's because I already had where to stay.
I thanked. And it was a Friday. He was determined and knew what he was going to do. That Friday I left the support house.
I even tried one thing, a tacit motion of distress, asking loved ones to keep my things with them.
Ipso Facto, they kept them ...
On Monday she, the social worker at the hospital in Glicério found me sleeping on cardboard (at this point in my life I had, yes, connected to it) and asked me what had happened.
I said, "What does it matter? Now I have nowhere to stay!
And you not only can, you have the duty to get me a place in another support house. "
The support house of the Catholic Church and Calvary ... Benemerence ... what was made of you Suely?
In the other support house, which is subject to another chapter, I remember having dreamed of something.
I, I believe, was in a field, a wretched forest to lose sight of and a Great Silence.
In the dream, I was not afraid, I was pacified, so inexplicable to my temperament of those days ....It was clear day, the sun warmed me and I saw a black man (Waldir was black), and I looked at him, I knew that feature was known to me and I spent a lot of time looking at him without recognizing him, wondering who it would be that person so strange and so familiar (I reread this before republishing it, here, in the former Chácara do Encosto, on a February day, at the end of the 20 decade of the XXI century I still can, I do not know if the screen of memory or if on the retina screen, see it !!!!
Until he smiled and said,
-Claudio, it's me, Waldir! We brought you here so you know it was not your fault my ticket. ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ****************** (
(hidden by me) a white, completely unknown (I do not know if I am white) that helped me in the most difficult hours and days. Know that I'm fine and, believe me, ***************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ****************************************.
Having said that, he smiled, made a sign of even more, turned and left, running, at an immense speed. And I felt what I think a lot of people felt at least once in their lives:
"Being brought back at even frightening speed and woke up, crying ...
How do I cry now, when I write this ...
AND I CRY AGAIN HERE, in the XXI Century ... in the XX century
Every time I get sick, I think about him and wonder if it would have been my turn.
And although I always conclude that yes And God comes ... and He says no.
Anyway, I went to another House of Support - Controlled by the Catholic Church -
And then yes, I met a very eloquent Hell Branch on Earth!
Patients? Semi-Slavery? -Slavery?…
Patients were forced to build their own shelter and this should suffice ...
And, yes, I had the instructive pleasure of being judged on what was the very precarious delineation of the previously feared
A small punitive expedition from an Ecclesiastical Court -
Everything you say, is used against you! ...
Oh pretty damn hell