This is the story of a different HIV positive. Angel .... Even alone, in the midst of loneliness, this seropositive woman would not allow adventures
An HIV-positive woman who is not "Sui Generis"
In my life, I always had a great need to prove that I could be loved, I always searched for that love frantically, without much discretion, thinking that it could be that next boy I suddenly knew at a party, a trip, as long as
was suddenly, without much choice.
I expected the total realization of a coming "anyone" ... and with that went trying, trying, giving myself body and soul to many who certainly were far from deserving me ... and I was not able to see it.
Until one day in late 89, one such attempt was signed and I was dating, was lasting and lasting.
Surely he had not much ability to be my prince charming, but the best feature was that the boy had to show willingness to be with me and stay with me .. atéééé .. God knows when.
And that was what I was most enchanted him.
HIV positive? Yes! Angel? Do not know
It was over 5 years ago, and I no longer saw much of it in my companion, but I remained faithful to him and there was much fear of ending the relationship for fear of loneliness and fear, very, very afraid, of falling into this world, looking for such love again .... Especially now in these times of AIDS, although ... well .... With the life I took to steady myself in this courtship, I always thought I was a strong candidate to be HIV-positive. I had never used a condom before and I had tried a lot of boyfriends. But where's the courage to take the blood test?
93 on one occasion, I had to do some tests for admission to a new job, and I was rooting for them not asked for an HIV test ... and UFA, thank God not asked.
And there I was, living my little life with my boyfriend firm, my empreguinho - I super healthy, high-spirited, alive.
I was HIV-positive already and I did not know that. "I feared," but ....
In October 96 the relationship finally ended without very special reason ... was the same saturation, and certainly both parties.
I started to want to look around and find a new boyfriend - had some fantasies of Prince Charming in my head, but I wanted to go slowly, trying to adapt to life in "single woman".
Do not have much time - a month later, the ex-boyfriend that seeks to warn me that made the HIV test (who knows why he mused to do this test) and gave a positive result.
That was my gift 40 years of life: the obligation to take the test before this statement from him - the man with whom I made love during 6 years without ever having protected me ... and even if it also protected.
And it was the suffering ... it was difficult, it hurt a lot ... I knew I would never have a chance of the result being negative ...it was OBVIOUS that I was infected .... That I was HIV positive
I thought I was going to die the next day, I was afraid to even breathe to not catch some disease in the air!
And the question was:
"Who gave it to who this bomb????" And then I thought:
- "What good is this concern ... we are both infectados..temos more is that we care for?."
Thoughts rolling in my head: - "Oh my God .... What a fault, it was me who gave it to him, poor thing "....
Then I thought: "He had a lot of freedom .... He came out very alone, he surely took it that way and passed it to me! "The voice that guides me saying:" You are receiving what you asked, you do not bring Sonia and not your word. " I listened to my voice and I remember that there was a day when I said to God, on my knees, on Avenida São Luis, completely empty: "God, if there are two crosses to be carried, that I carry both. The result was unreactive. Not long ago I made the same request, assuming the charge of a third cross. To tell the whole truth, I do not feel like carrying two or three crosses. I feel myself carrying my own, which I accepted and took for me with humility (HIV teaches me with humility.) If I carry them, I do not know them, and if I do, what I have asked for and that I was promptly attended to, compensates by far the "possible weight of these three crosses," and frankly, that there are actually three of them, I carry them with my eyes watering, but it is happiness, not sadness.
Very difficult times especially in the emotional aspect, because until today hide my family's virus and my best friends.
Fortunately I adapted very well to the medication and my body responded quickly, soon zeroing viral load and increasing CD4.
I was again with her boyfriend for over a year ... I think the title of being "stick" to each other, but we ended up moving away.
He soon arranged with another and I withdrew.
Since then, it has been difficult for me to relate affectively and especially to sex, because I always think I should say that I am HIV positive for those who want to approach sexually. Many flee, they freak out, and some even do not believe me because they think that those who have HIV look sick and lead a sick life, whereas I am a super healthy woman, full of disposition, well cared for, and modesty aside, Very pretty.
This is the most difficult aspect of my life.
But in other respects, my life has improved so much, but so much in those 4 years, that I get emotional when I do a retrospective.
I, unhappy living with this bug, I started to look after myself more, I began to appreciate much more consistent and I was a woman, knowing my worth and am always considering the best for me in all aspects.
Not the most accepted "any" of life ... no more accepted "any little thing" ... I'm always looking and deserve what this life is good ..
I also learned to see things better, and what is bad, I step away.
My mood was always very high, then and now, before this experience, it is very difficult some besteirinha leave me shaken.
I'm the one who gives strength to everyone who surrounds me and hardly know they the little animal that I have inside ... Lesson lasts this ... But it sure was!
HIV positive? Yes…. It is true. But Not Anyone. Of that I am sure!
I love a lot nowadays with HIV living with me.
Before him (HIV) I just raved.
This is the story of a seropositive woman who is no longer one who is not ONE MORE, and yes, it is MY story of STRENGTH to pass on to all of you.http://soropositivo.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/0niLOyhCd5g?rel=0
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