This is the story of a different HIV positive. Angel .... Even in the midst of loneliness, this seropositive woman did not allow herself to be adventurous, but she was very, very blood test
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An HIV positive woman who is "Sui Generis"
In my life, I always had a lot of need to prove that I could be loved, I always searched for that love frantically, without much discretion, thinking that it could be that next guy I suddenly knew at a party, a trip, as long as it was suddenly, without much choice.
I expected total fulfillment, coming from a "anyone" ... and with that I was trying, searching, giving me body and soul to many who, of course, were far from deserving me ... and I could not see it.
Until one day, at the end of 89, one of these attempts You steady yourself and I've been dating. and it was lasting, lasting. (Infinito enquan .... Eita good question for a publisher three and sixteen of matina!)
Surely he did not have much competence to be my prince enchanted, but the best feature that the boy possessed was to show willingness to be with me .. and continue with me untilééé ..God knows when.
And that was what I loved the most about him.
HIV positive? Yes! Angel? Do not know
The thing was over 5 years ago, and I no longer saw much grace in my companion, but I remained faithful to him and there was much fear of end the dating for fear of loneliness and fear, very, very afraid, of falling into this world, looking for such love again .... Especially now in these AIDS times, though ... well .... With the life I took to steady myself in this courtship, I always thought I was a strong candidate to be HIV-positive. I had never used condoms before and had already tried many boyfriends. But where is the courage to take the blood test?the blood test?
On one occasion at 93, I had to do some exams for admission to a new job, and I kept hoping they would not ask for the HIV test ... and UFA, thank God they did not ask for it.
And there I was, living my life, with my firm girlfriend, my employer - I super healthy, high spirits, alive.
I was HIV positive already and I did not know that. "I feared," but ....
In October 96 the relationship finally ended without very special reason ... it was the same saturation, and certainly both parties.
I started wanting to look around, and to look for a new boyfriend - there were already some enchanting fantasies in my head, but I wanted to go slowly, trying to adapt to the life of "woman alone."
One month to discover myself HIV positive!
I did not have much time - a month later, this ex-boyfriend comes to me to let me know that he has had the HIV test (you know why he thought about doing this test) and he gave a positive result.
This was my gift of 40 years of life: the obligation to take the test, in front of this statement of him - the man with whom I made love during 6 years without ever having protected me ... and neither did he protect himself as well. I, Claudius, never knew your viral load! Hopefully she has been alive so far, to know that undetectable is equal to nontransferable!
Heavy Bar and Cow Dung
You see, the treatment was once a bar. At the time when she, Angel, and I, as well as Mara, Beatriz Pacheco, Beto Volpe and others, as Sílvia Almeida began the treatment, we started the treatment with medicines, when taking them, we had the impression that we were taking juice from shit with gravel, literally. But I thought: This is life. Or at least survival, improvising life, until things got better and, indeed, they got better.
I remember having counted 44 tablets to be taken TWICE A DAY!
Today, a tablet, with three different active principles, often a single daily intake, is enough.
But I'm going to paste here a stupid thing that I wrote on a blog and brought it here. That blog, of that apparent automaton, that never said his personal name. And people believed him. Guys, I want to be cremated when I die, and if I write a book mentioning a single name taken from this blog, you can throw my ashes into cow manure, because it would have been (deserved)
And it was the suffering ... it was difficult, it hurt a lot ... I knew I would never have a chance of the result being negative ...it was OBVIOUS that I was infected ....
I thought I was going to die the next day, I was afraid even to breathe so I would not get sick in the air !!
And the question came:
"Who passed to whom this bomb ????????" and then I thought:
- "What's the use of this concern? ... we're both infected ... we have to take care of ourselves."
Thoughts rolling in my head: - "Oh my God .... What a mistake, it was me who gave it to him, poor thing "....
I was HIV positive, taking pity on anyone who might have passed me
Then I thought: "He had a lot of freedom .... He came out very alone, he sure took it and gave me the voice that guides me, saying, "You're getting what you asked for, do not betray Sonia and not her word."
Very difficult times especially in the emotional aspect, because until today hide my family's virus and my best friends.
Luckily I adapted very well to medication and my body responded quickly, then cleared the viral load and increased CD4.
I was with the boyfriend again for another year ... I believe that we were "cane" for each other, but we ended up moving away.
He soon arranged with another and I retired.
Since then, it has been difficult for me to relate affectively and especially to sex, because I always think I should say that I am HIV positive for those who want to approach sexually. Many flee, they panic, and some even do not believe me because they think that people who have HIV look sick and lead a sick life, whereas I am a super healthy woman, full of disposition, well cared for, and modesty aside, very beautiful.
This is the hardest part of my life.
Be seropositive and stay beautiful and attractive! Hard task!
But in other respects, my life has improved so much, but so much in those 4 years, that I get emotional when I do a retrospective.
I, living with this unfortunate little animal, began to take care of me much more, I began to value myself much more and I became a consistent woman, knowing of my value and I am always looking for the best for me, in all aspects.
I no longer accept the "anyone" of life ... I no longer accept "any little thing" ... I am always seeking and deserve what is good in this life ..
Learning and Learning
I have also learned to see things better, and from what is bad, I pass away.
My astral has always been very high, and now, in the face of this experience, it is very difficult for some little besteirinha to shake me.
I'm the one who gives strength to everyone who surrounds me and barely know them the little animal that I have inside me... Lesson lasts this ... But it sure was!
HIV positive? Yes…. It is true. But Not Anyone. Of that I'm sure!
I really love myself these days., with HIV living with me.
Before him (HIV) I just raved.
This is the story of a seropositive woman who is no longer one who is not ONE MORE, but yes, it is MY story of STRENGTH to pass on to all of you.
An important note from the Editor:
I have given quota here, now, a few paragraphs above, that she says that the presetende 40 anniversary was the seropositive result! Almost twenty years have passed, Angel, and I know nothing of you, and read:
Longing is not knowing. Not knowing what to do with the longer days, not knowing how to find tasks that would cease thinking, not knowing how to stop the tears in front of a song, not knowing how to overcome the pain of a silence that fills nothing.
Nostalgia is not wanting to know. Not wanting to know if he is with another, if she is happy, if he is slimmer, if she is more beautiful. Longing is to never want to know who you love, and yet, it hurts.