This is the story of a different HIV positive. Angel .... Even alone, in the midst of loneliness, she was not allowed to venture, but she was very, very afraid of blood test
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An HIV positive woman who is “Sui Generis”
In my life, I always had much need to prove that I could be loved, always tried frantically to such love without much discretion, thinking it could be that next guy I knew suddenly at a party, a trip, anywhere, long as it was suddenly without much choice criterion.
I expected total fulfillment, coming from a "anyone" ... and with that I was trying, seeking, giving me body and soul to many that, of course, were far from deserving me… and I had no ability to see that.
Until one day, at the end of 89, one of these attempts You steady yourself and I've been dating. and it was lasting, lasting. (Endless while…? That's a good question for an editor at three-six in the morning!)
Surely he did not have much competence to be my prince enchanted, but the best characteristic that the boy possessed was to show willingness to be with me .. and to continue with me untilééé ..God knows when.
And that was what I was most enchanted him.
HIV positive? Yes! Angel? Do not know
It was over 5 years ago, and I did not see much more grace in my companion, but I remained faithful to him and there was much fear of end the dating for fear of loneliness and fear, very, very afraid, of falling into this big world, seeking such love again… Especially now in these AIDS times, although… well that… ,. With the life I led to stabilize myself in this relationship, I always thought I was a strong candidate to be HIV positive. I had never used a condom and had tried many boyfriends. But where is the courage to do the blood test?the blood test?
On one occasion at 93, I had to do some entrance exams for a new job, and I kept hoping they wouldn't ask for an HIV test… and, thank God, they didn't.
And there I went, living my little life, with my steady little boyfriend, my little boy - me super healthy, high spirited, alive.
I was already HIV positive and didn't even realize it. “I feared” but….
By October 96 the relationship finally broke up for no very special reason… it was the saturation itself, and certainly on both sides.
I started to want to look around, and look for a new boyfriend - there were already some enchanted prince fantasies in my head, but I wanted to go slow, trying to adapt to the life of "woman alone."
One month to discover myself HIV positive!
I didn't have much time - a month later, this ex-boyfriend comes to tell me that he was tested for HIV (who knows why he stopped taking this test) and it was positive.
That was my gift from 40 years of life: the obligation to take the test, given this statement from him - the man I had made love with for 6 years without ever protecting me ... and neither did he protect himself either. I Claudius never knew your viral load! Hopefully she has been alive so far, to know that undetectable is equal to nontransferable!
Heavy Bar and Cow Dung
You see, the treatment was once a bar. By the time she, Angel, and I, as well as Mara, Beatriz Pacheco, Beto Volpe and others, as Sílvia Almeida began the treatment, we started the treatment with medicines, when we took them, we had the impression that we were taking juice from shit with gravel, literally. But I thought: This is life. Or at least survival, improvising life, until things got better and, indeed, they got better.
I remember having counted 44 tablets to be taken TWICE A DAY!
Today, a tablet, with three different active principles, often a single daily intake, is enough.
But I'm going to paste here a stupid thing that I wrote on a blog and brought it here. That blog, of that apparent automaton, that never said his personal name. And people believed him. Guys, I want to be cremated when I die, and if I write a book mentioning a single name taken from this blog, you can throw my ashes into cow manure, because it would have been (deserved)
And it was the suffering… it was hard, it hurt a lot… I knew I would never have a chance of the result being negative…it was OBVIOUS that I was infected….
I thought I was going to die the next day, I was afraid to even breathe to not catch some disease in the air!
And the question was:
“Who passed this bomb to who ????????” and then I thought:
- "What's the point of this concern? ... we are both infected. We have more to take care of."
Thoughts rolling in my head: - “Oh my God…. That's my fault, I passed it on to him, poor guy ”….
I was HIV positive, taking pity on anyone who might have passed me
Then I would think: - “He had a lot of freedom…. I was going out very alone, I sure got it and passed it to me! ”The“ voice that guides me saying, “You're getting what you asked for, don't cheat, Sonia and not even your word”.
Very difficult times especially in the emotional aspect, because until today hide my family's virus and my best friends.
Fortunately I adapted very well to the medication and my body responded quickly, soon zeroing viral load and increasing CD4.
I was with my boyfriend again for another year… I think by the way of being a “cane” for each other, but we ended up walking away.
He soon arranged with another and I withdrew.
Since then, it has been difficult for me to relate affectively and especially to sex, because I always think I should say that I am HIV positive for those who want to approach sexually. Many flee, they panic, and some even do not believe me because they think that people who have HIV look sick and lead a sick life, whereas I am a super healthy woman, full of disposition, well cared for, and modesty aside, very beautiful.
This is the most difficult aspect of my life.
Be seropositive and stay beautiful and attractive! Hard task!
But in other respects, my life has improved so much, but so much in those 4 years, that I get emotional when I do a retrospective.
I, unhappy living with this bug, I started to look after myself more, I began to appreciate much more consistent and I was a woman, knowing my worth and am always considering the best for me in all aspects.
I no longer accept the "anyone" of life ... I no longer accept "any little thing" ... I am always looking for and deserve what is good about this life ..
Learning and Learning
I also learned to see things better, and what is bad, I step away.
My mood was always very high, then and now, before this experience, it is very difficult some besteirinha leave me shaken.
I'm the one who gives strength to everyone who surrounds me and hardly know them the little animal that I have inside me… Little lesson lasts this… But it sure was worth it!
HIV positive? Yes…. It is true. But Not Anyone. Of that I am sure!
I really love myself these days., with HIV living with me.
Before him (HIV) I just raved.
It is registered here the story of a seropositive woman who is no longer one who is not ONE MORE, and yes, it is MY story of STRENGTH to pass on to all of you.
An important note from the Editor:
I have given quota here, now, a few paragraphs above, that she says that the presetende 40 anniversary was the seropositive result! Almost twenty years have passed, Angel, and I know nothing of you, and read:
Longing is not knowing. Not knowing what to do with the longer days, not knowing how to find tasks that would cease thinking, not knowing how to stop the tears in front of a song, not knowing how to overcome the pain of a silence that fills nothing.
Nostalgia is not wanting to know. Not wanting to know if he is with another, if she is happy, if he is slimmer, if she is more beautiful. Longing is to never want to know who you love, and yet, it hurts.