This is the story of a different HIV positive. Angel .... Even in the midst of loneliness, this seropositive woman did not allow herself to be adventurous, but she was very, very blood test
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An HIV positive woman who is "Sui Generis"
In my life, I always had much need to prove that I could be loved, always tried frantically to such love without much discretion, thinking it could be that next guy I knew suddenly at a party, a trip, anywhere, long as it was suddenly without much choice criterion.
I expected total fulfillment, coming from a "anyone" ... and with that I was trying, searching, giving me body and soul to many who, of course, were far from deserving me ... and I could not see it.
Until one day, at the end of 89, one of these attempts You steady yourself and I've been dating. and it was lasting, lasting. (Infinito enquan .... Eita good question for a publisher three and sixteen of matina!)
Surely he did not have much competence to be my prince enchanted, but the best characteristic that the boy possessed was to show willingness to be with me .. and to continue with me untilééé ..God knows when.
And that was what I was most enchanted him.
HIV positive? Yes! Angel? Do not know
It was over 5 years ago, and I did not see much more grace in my companion, but I remained faithful to him and there was much fear of end the dating for fear of loneliness and fear, very, very afraid, of falling into this world, looking for such love again .... Especially now in these AIDS times, although ... well .... With the life I took to steady myself in this courtship, I always thought I was a strong candidate to be HIV-positive. I had never used a condom before and I had tried a lot of boyfriends. But where's the courage to take the blood test?the blood test?
93 on one occasion, I had to do some tests for admission to a new job, and I was rooting for them not asked for an HIV test ... and UFA, thank God not asked.
And there I was, living my little life with my boyfriend firm, my empreguinho - I super healthy, high-spirited, alive.
I was HIV-positive already and I did not know that. "I feared," but ....
In October 96 the relationship finally ended without very special reason ... was the same saturation, and certainly both parties.
I started to want to look around and find a new boyfriend - had some fantasies of Prince Charming in my head, but I wanted to go slowly, trying to adapt to life in "single woman".
One month to discover myself HIV positive!
Do not have much time - a month later, the ex-boyfriend that seeks to warn me that made the HIV test (who knows why he mused to do this test) and gave a positive result.
This was my gift of 40 years of life: the obligation to take the test, in front of this statement of him - the man with whom I made love during 6 years without ever having protected me ... and neither did he protect himself as well. I, Claudius, never knew your viral load! Hopefully she has been alive so far, to know that undetectable is equal to nontransferable!
Heavy Bar and Cow Dung
You see, the treatment was once a bar. By the time she, Angel, and I, as well as Mara, Beatriz Pacheco, Beto Volpe and others, as Sílvia Almeida began the treatment, we started the treatment with medicines, when we took them, we had the impression that we were taking juice from shit with gravel, literally. But I thought: This is life. Or at least survival, improvising life, until things got better and, indeed, they got better.
I remember having counted 44 tablets to be taken TWICE A DAY!
Today, a tablet, with three different active principles, often a single daily intake, is enough.
But I'm going to paste here a stupid thing that I wrote on a blog and brought it here. That blog, of that apparent automaton, that never said his personal name. And people believed him. Guys, I want to be cremated when I die, and if I write a book mentioning a single name taken from this blog, you can throw my ashes into cow manure, because it would have been (deserved)
And it was the suffering ... it was difficult, it hurt a lot ... I knew I would never have a chance of the result being negative ...it was OBVIOUS that I was infected ....
I thought I was going to die the next day, I was afraid to even breathe to not catch some disease in the air!
And the question was:
"Who gave it to who this bomb????" And then I thought:
- "What good is this concern ... we are both infectados..temos more is that we care for?."
Thoughts rolling in my head: - "Oh my God .... What a mistake, it was me who gave it to him, poor thing "....
I was HIV positive, taking pity on anyone who might have passed me
Then I thought: "He had a lot of freedom .... He came out very alone, he sure took it and gave me the voice that guides me saying: "You're getting what you asked for, do not betray, Sonia and not your word."
Very difficult times especially in the emotional aspect, because until today hide my family's virus and my best friends.
Fortunately I adapted very well to the medication and my body responded quickly, soon zeroing viral load and increasing CD4.
I was again with her boyfriend for over a year ... I think the title of being "stick" to each other, but we ended up moving away.
He soon arranged with another and I withdrew.
Since then, it has been difficult for me to relate affectively and especially to sex, because I always think I should say that I am HIV positive for those who want to approach sexually. Many flee, they panic, and some even do not believe me because they think that people who have HIV look sick and lead a sick life, whereas I am a super healthy woman, full of disposition, well cared for, and modesty aside, very beautiful.
This is the most difficult aspect of my life.
Be seropositive and stay beautiful and attractive! Hard task!
But in other respects, my life has improved so much, but so much in those 4 years, that I get emotional when I do a retrospective.
I, unhappy living with this bug, I started to look after myself more, I began to appreciate much more consistent and I was a woman, knowing my worth and am always considering the best for me in all aspects.
Not the most accepted "any" of life ... no more accepted "any little thing" ... I'm always looking and deserve what this life is good ..
Learning and Learning
I also learned to see things better, and what is bad, I step away.
My mood was always very high, then and now, before this experience, it is very difficult some besteirinha leave me shaken.
I'm the one who gives strength to everyone who surrounds me and hardly know them the little animal that I have inside me... Lesson lasts this ... But it sure was!
HIV positive? Yes…. It is true. But Not Anyone. Of that I am sure!
I really love myself these days., with HIV living with me.
Before him (HIV) I just raved.
It is registered here the story of a seropositive woman who is no longer one who is not ONE MORE, and yes, it is MY story of STRENGTH to pass on to all of you.
An important note from the Editor:
I have given quota here, now, a few paragraphs above, that she says that the presetende 40 anniversary was the seropositive result! Almost twenty years have passed, Angel, and I know nothing of you, and read:
Longing is not knowing. Not knowing what to do with the longer days, not knowing how to find tasks that would cease thinking, not knowing how to stop the tears in front of a song, not knowing how to overcome the pain of a silence that fills nothing.
Nostalgia is not wanting to know. Not wanting to know if he is with another, if she is happy, if he is slimmer, if she is more beautiful. Longing is to never want to know who you love, and yet, it hurts.
Have you received your diagnostic reagent and are you scared? Do you think your life is over? Are you having thoughts "of the type clueless"?
You need to get your hopes up!
Understand that my resilience was built one day at a time, one illness after another, one SUSAN AFTER THE OTHER!
Resilience is not something you are born with! You ROW IT! One fall after another. For every fall inevitably follows a new rebound!
Shake the dust off!
And Turn Around!
Your doctor, your doctor can do a lot for you!
Your family, if you have any, because there is not one left for me, they can or can not do something for you.
God could do everything for you!
But it's up to you to decide to go ahead or sit on the curb!
Do you think I talk too much? Please read my outdated medical history! 🙂 It may take a little while!
And as for Health, it is a Right of All and a Duty of the State